mountaineer musings

volume XI

hey, self. not much time to talk, so here are some quick jots for you...

1. never move again.
2. if you do move, hire someone to pack your stuff, or you should enter the military; i hear they have folks pack and move you.
3. try to schedule hacking coughs and chest infections during your chorale hiatus.
4. chest infections are bad for solos, but you're good at faking it; the director didn't seem to notice. yay self!
5. it's cold in here; please turn the temperature back up.
6. i love ice cream.
7. and jalapenos.
8. they should make jalapeno flavored ice cream.
9. it's texas, people would buy it here; after all, they buy jalapeno jelly and peanut brittle. how 'bout it, Ben & Jerry, you mean hippies?
10. rumor has it you tend to flip out a lot; stop that.
11. the hornets' nest in your storage room is really holding up the packing thing. please do something about it.
12. and since all your hiking gear is in there, be sure to check your tent before you lie in it; and it's good you have several first-aid kits, Little Miss Overprepared.
13. is it really necessary to have that many hot guy pics on the wall? do you know how sore my thumbs are from taking the tacks down?
14. say, speaking of that, remember that trick we learned on CSI about covering nail holes with toothpaste? don't forget that, we need the deposit back.
15. um, everyone's coming over to pack the truck tomorrow night. since we're not moving until Sunday, where are we intending to sleep tomorrow night and Saturday night?
16. don't forget the kitties.
17. the shape the apartment's in right now... never speak of it again and block it from your memory.
18. don't forget. get Juan back for that evil trick he pulled. he must suffer.

that's all for now. i never thought i'd be saying this before the end of May, but ... Go ... Rangers? yeah. Go Rangers.

volume X

hi, self. not a whole lotta time for small talk and such, since we're moving this week and have lots of packing to do, etc. just some stuff to discuss...

1. self, interviewing on 3.5 hours of sleep -- not a good idea. you tend to get really open, and, being the kind of person you are who hates liars and finds it quite impossible to lie yourself, you just answer all those questions truthfully without actually effectively evading the questions. so answers to questions such as, "what is blogging?" (see note 2) tend to be followed by, "well, then you'll have to give us your blog address so we can check it out...", and while you are way cute in interviews and can make "uh, i don't THINK so" sound like "ah, hahaha! i'm so cute! haha! no, i couldn't tell you! that's where i tell all my secrets! i'm distracting you with my cuteness right now! hahaha!", the awkward silence that follows is, well, awkward.

volume IX

hey there, self! i know i've been remiss in noting you of late, but it's only because i don't love you anymore. what? oh, just kidding! LOL. SarahK, you are sooooo weird. tell me something i don't know. um, you don't know where you're moving to; i could tell you, but then i'd have to kill you. and since i now know you're a psycho (see picture at left), i believe you. my head is spinning now; you're soooo confusing me. ok, i'll stop. thank you. what a freak we are. anyway, i have some pointers for you...

1. dear self, always unplug the vacuum cleaner when you're done using it.

2. self, remember when we had the talk about sticking your fingers in your eyes after using Ben-Gay? the same applies when eating jalapenos. k?

volume VIII

hey, self. just a quick note or two, since you sometimes need written rules to keep you in line.

1. self, you are not allowed to go shopping while doped up on vicodin. in case you're not sure what i mean, i'll repeat: shopping within 3 hours of taking pain meds is forbidden. first off, you have trouble staying awake and on your feet after taking your meds, which makes you hazardous with a shopping cart. second, you have no control over your DVD purchases when you're loopy. i thought you learned your lesson after you went to rent 2 movies and came home with 2 rentals and 6 purchases last saturday. but self, you apparently forget stuff like that when doped.

ok, so i guess i only had one note for you tonight, self. don't worry, when you're not exhausted and loopy, there will be another volume. i'm sure i have much to say to you.

good day, ma'am.
go stars.

volume VII

hiya, self! yer lookin' good, if i do say so myself. i was just taking a break from some work and thought we could chat for a minute. ok, not really. i talk -- er, type -- you listen read.

1. self, sheets actually work better if you put them on the bed. fyi.

2. hey, self, you know that fuzz growing in the dishes in your sink? it's not cotton.

response to self from self: thanks a lot, self. now bikermommy is going to know there are dishes in the sink. quick, do them before she calls!
response to self from self: you first!

3. selfie, your SUV gets about 16 miles to the gallon. it might get the whopping 19 that it's supposed to get if you would empty it out some. you also might be able to have at least 1 passenger.

4. self, those new headache meds are pretty cool ('cause they're red, and you look great in red), but i really prefer the woooooooo of the vicodin. really.

5. i notice you're still sleeping with the closet light on. seriously, there are no monsters under the bed.

response to s from s: do the dishes and we can call maintenance to fix it.
response to s from s: any other suggestions?

6. um, self? cats are like plants; they need water. oh no! you've never had a plant that you didn't kill. quick, minerva, nicole, to the swimming pool!

7. self, when we were driving to church this morning, you seem to have forgotten a very basic driving rule. red=stop.

8. ok, self. now that you've gotten not one but TWO tickets from TWO separate police departments for your tags being 4 months expired, it's time to comply. get to the courthouse.

noted.

nah wily view with sum fun knee homonyms sew week an crack up two gather. bees wheat two thee kid deke hats, there's wheat too ewe. hay, arse tar czar inn forth play sin thee west urn con friends noun, say condone lee twos ann hose a inn thee pus if ick!

ghost ours!

volume VI

hey, self! nice to see ya! i know it's been a while, but you've been kind of busy, and you haven't been that dumb lately. well, you have, but i thought i'd take it easy on you. i'm nice like that. so here we go.

1. self, when you want to preheat your george foreman grill, you should consider plugging it in rather than the coffee maker. just a suggestion.

2. self, i know that you've learned your lesson, but i must tell you anyway... next time you're running, and your foot starts to hurt after several miles, you should stop running. continuing to run on the foot in an effort to make it stop hurting is a little bit, um... asinine. oh, and so is not training for a 10K.

3. say, self? say it with me... bed good. futon bad. bed not painful. futon hurts. bed has springs. futon has steel bars.

4. hey, self. ghostwit. LOL!!!

later, self! go stars.

volume V

howdy, self. good ta see ya. nice to see that you finally washed your hair. which brings me to my first note. 1. we always feel better when we're clean. don't forget that.

2. self, you know how you like to put cokes in the freezer to get them cold really fast? yeah. well, when you remove said cokes from the freezer, let's be careful not to drop them. the words spew, sticky and great huge mess come to mind.

3. self, i keep mentioning the clean apartment thing to you, and so far it hasn't worked. you're probably tired of hearing it too. may i just say that it is not necessary to wait until you are completely out of silverware (including knives) to do the dishes.

4. i know you like to laugh, self, but could ya reign it in a little? cackling too much, too loud and too often makes your sides hurt really bad and makes the neighbors complain. i know. i understand. i hear what you're saying. i know it's not your fault that they have no joy in their lives. but it's also not nice of you to rub it in.

5. won more thing before eye go. homonyms our really funny. yes, eye here watt your sane. eye dew no that our and are our knot exact homonyms, butt inn thee grate state of texas, they really sound exactly thee same. and eye think your bean a little picky. and just sew wee our clear, eye yam thee won righting thee notes, knot chew. goat ache a shower and quit you're wining.

good mornin' too ewe. ghost ours.

volume IV

wow, self, i sure do have to write you a lot of notes these days. i think i'm going to start leaving you stickies everywhere, like the ones you have all over the walls in your office that the partners hate.

self -- when your legs start to look like your angora sweater, it's time to shave them. don't fear the razor.

ouch, self. you know that ankle bone thingy that sticks out on the inside of your ankle? IT REALLY HURTS WHEN YOU KICK IT WITH YOUR OTHER FOOT. please stop that.

um, self? we seem to have a problem. i previously mentioned said problem to you, and you did not listen. so as of today, you are completely out of clean undies. that includes the granny variety (which are not, btw, compatible w/ low-rise jeans, for future reference), the extremely uncomfortable crawly variety, the itchy variety and the looney-tunes character variety. in light of this development in the ongoing saga of your slobhood, i am putting my foot down. NO CSI OR IMing TONIGHT UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE AT LEAST 2 LOADS OF LAUNDRY. understood?
UPDATE: response to self from self -- i am not a slob. i am a closet neat-freak. by closet, i mean you can't tell that i'm a neat-freak by looking at my car, apartment or office. shh! it'll be our little secret.

self, did you see that your other boyfriend mo (sweet, happy sigh) scored 2 goals last night? go stars!

ta for now.

volume III

self, i'm not sure how to say this. you're kind of not smart sometimes. you have your t-mobile phone set up to text message you whenever you get an email so you know when it needs to be checked. this is good, efficient, quite handy. perhaps, though, you should disable that feature now and then. here's an example of when to disable it: you realize that you have about 100 emails sitting in your "sent mail" folder on the mail server and you want to transfer them to your inbox so you will receive them in Outlook and be able to archive them. good idea if used appropriately. one thing to think about -- when you transfer these to your inbox, you are going to receive 100 text messages on your phone. all at once. and said text messages will bog down your phone so much that you can't hit that little "back" button and turn the sound off. which means that you are going to sit on your phone all morning so your client doesn't hear those pretty little chimes in cadence over and over and over and over and over .....

while we're on the subject, self, you should probably think about adding a text messaging plan to your phone. let's see. 192 text messages at $.05 a pop ... carry the one ... $9.60. yeah i'm thinking the 300 messages for $2.99 might be a good thing to consider.

hey self, you only half-heartedly try to keep the kitty cat away from the water when you're taking an epsom salt bath. i would suggest trying a little harder. see, i'm reading on the package here, and it says that taken internally, epsom salts work the same as milk of magnesia. i'm thinking that can't be good for your litter control problem. i'm just sayin'.

love ya, self. go stars.

volume II

dear self, it is not a good idea to wear an angora sweater from american eagle the same day you wear your most uncomfortable shoes. while we're on the subject, it's generally not a good idea to wear the angora sweater, because it sheds everywhere. but anyway, self, when you wear your angora sweater, you always get fur in your eyes. and spend half the day poking yourself in the eye trying to get it out. now. when you wear your uncomfortable shoes, your feet always hurt really bad. and when your feet hurt really bad, you want to lather them in ben-gay when you get home. here's the important part. AFTER YOU LATHER YOUR FEET WITH BEN-GAY, YOU CAN NO LONGER PICK RABBIT FUR OUT OF YOUR EYES. IT STINGS. BADLY. let's just avoid the scenario altogether. k?

self, when navigating the path from the livingroom to the bedroom requires hurdling, pole-vaulting and pommel-horsing, it is time to clean.

hey, self, if you write something on your hand because it's ultra-important and you don't want to forget it, make sure you don't wash it off five minutes later. just a little tip there.

more later. go stars.