mountaineer musings

i totally got the snot beat out of me tonight

so it's been a month since my last massage, and i reeeeaaaaaallly needed one. after a most unexpected experience at the therapy office tonight, i have compiled a list of things you should ask the massage therapist before takin' off yer clothes and jumpin' up on the table...

8. when you say "massage table", do you really mean "torture table"?

7. have you ever heard of thick drape sheets? and heating pads?

6. you know Mr. Miyagi? what do you think about his methods? 'cause i remember Danielsan wincing in pain when Miyagi first touched him, and that ain't cool.

5. what are the kneepads for? [seriously, at one most painful moment i opened my eyes and looked through the little face donut, and spied a most surprising thing... a crotch. a huh? what? then i realized he was squatting on his knees for extra hurt-leverage.]

4. where's the bathroom? [always the first thing to ask any massage therapist. i always have to pee after a massage.]

3. that chick that just limped out of here... she one of your patients?

2. i see here you are a licensed massage therapist, that's great. are you also a black-belt in hurt-fu?

and the blah blah blah, click for #1

on a lighter note... people who shouldn't be allowed to do stuff

and other observations about pronunciation and the time i bounced a check...

1. people who can't pronounce cities or names of events where weather might occur should not be allowed to be weather girls (or boys). there is no "t" in Wimbledon.

2. people who pronounce Taco Bueno as "Taco Boy-no" should not be allowed to eat there.

3. people who pronounce Miami as "Mia-muh" live in Texas.

4. people who can't pronounce Russian, Finnish or Czech names should not be allowed to call hockey games. say it with me, people: "Let-ih-nin", not "Lay-tinnin".

5. people who bounce checks to the State Board of Public Accountancy should not be allowed to be CPAs. uh, oops.

6. people who pronounce "hurricane" as "hurri-cun" live in Utah.

7. people who call me "Sir Kisser" ... hmm, nevermind, only my classmate Kenric ever called me that, and i thought it was kinda cool. i wonder whatever happened to Kenric.

8. people who pronounce "buttocks" as "butt-tox" are Forrest Gump.

9. people who pronounce "jaguar" as "jag-you-ahhhh" live in England and really should reconsider that pronunciation.

add yer own in the comments, musees.

top 10 things to do if you find a toad in your toilet

Jeffrey over at joyfulchristian found a toad in his pottie and wrote some tough love mail to the city for that. in his honor and in honor of tough love mail in general, i have compiled a list of things to do if you find a toad in your toilet... [ed: some of these are stupid, but this is my blog, so i have to go with what i know.]

10. wait. did he say "toad" or "terd"? i wouldn't proceed without clarification.

9. pluck that little toad out of the pot, rinse him properly and kiss that sucker. might get yerself a prince out of the deal! [don't razz me, you were all thinking it.] if yer a man, give him to yer sister.

8. challenge him to a match of toadly winks. har har.

7. check and make sure he's not one of those chocolate frogs from Harry Potter's world, because you might get one of the cards that Ron needs and be able to trade for his broken wand or something; of course, if you've got something chocolate-looking in your toilet, perhaps you shouldn't pick it up.

7. forget the tough love mail, find the city manager's house and drop that baby in his/her mailbox.

6. oh, look! a bidet!

5. kill him!! he's French!!

4. but don't fear him!! he's French!!

3. be nice to the little fella, if you look closely you'll see a little white flag in his hand. he's French!!

2. check for little toad stools. it is a toilet, after all. hahahahahahaha! [thanks to the Little Sizzle's crew for the help.]

and the #1 (i feel like i should end this list on #2 for some reason) thing to do if you find a toad in your pottie...

top 10 things to do while waiting on the judge

so i went to the courthouse this morning to swear in front of a judge that i do, in fact, want that divorce; there was a long wait for a judge to actually show up, and i had to do something to occupy my time... so here are the top 10 things to do while waiting for the judge in divorce court.

10. borrow a portable DVD player and bring it along to watch The War of the Roses for inspiration purposes; when the movie gets really intense, stand up and throw the DVD player against the wall. it won't get the judge there any quicker, but it'll make the other folks think you're really ticked off, when really you're just as happy as you can be.

9. when no one's looking, pull out the voodoo doll of the exish husband and use lots of needles; if someone catches you doing this, just look at them and say, "you're next." that'll teach 'em to watch you practice voodoo.

8. ask the baliff (are they still called that?) if she can get Bull Shannon's autograph for you.

7. hum Alanis Morissette tunes; any one will do, they're all angry.

6. challenge other divorcees-to-be to a good ol' fashioned game of Life; bring your own personal board, on which all of the "get married" squares are crossed out with a big red X. when that game gets boring 5 minutes in, whip out the Simpsons-themed Battle of the Sexes game.

5. wheel in a foosball table, which you just happen to have handy at the courthouse, and play a game of "plaintiffs versus respondents".

4. carry your Magic 8-Ball around to each person in the courtroom and ask it, "Will such&such be divorced today?". make sure you've rigged it ahead of time to always say, "Not likely"; guaranteed to lift spirits.

3. ask the person next to you what they're being tried for; when you get the blank stare, say "this is where they try people for cold-blooded murder, right?" then get crazy eyes and watch them run away. good times.

2. whatever you do, DON'T make a date with anyone in there; they obviously don't like commitment.

and the #1 thing to do while waiting for the judge in divorce court...