score one for the chicks!

WARNING: the following story is not for those easily embarrassed by people talking about things "one ought not discuss in mixed company". you've been warned, don't blame me.

i owe Miss Serenity much gratitude! she recently posted this article about a major problem that we chicks face -- the fact that we can't pee standing up [warning: the link gives graphic instructions to the ladies, and if you can't handle hearing a duck called a duck and the female anatomy called by its proper terms rather than something like your "bobo" (unstable to call it that, btw) or your "flower", you might not wanna go there]. this problem has plagued me many times, and most especially when hiking the Grand Canyon. ('nother story for 'nother time.) had i but known the proper technique, i never would have dropped trou and left my whole lower body hanging out in the windless canyon for all, including those vicious ground squirrels, to see!

anyway, we all know about my plumbing problems (that is, the house's plumbing problems, which are being remedied by someone other than me as we speak write/read). anyway, the plumber was going to come this afternoon, but that didn't happen until 7 p.m.... well, by 5:15 when i got home, i had to go already. no functioning toilet in the house, so what to do??

i decided that, even though i hadn't yet practiced this technique, i had to give it a shot, because, well, when nature calls, i try not to ignore her lest she get really ticked off at me and send me a Howler.

to the back yard i went, confident in Serenity's promise that this does, indeed, work. i had some trouble even getting started at first, because you see, the girls were outside, and when i retreated to the deep recesses of the yard, the little brat (that would be Minerva) followed right along. "say, Ma, whassup? what are we doing way back here?" "say, Minerva, ya know how curiosity killed the cat? yeah, well, curiosity also got the cat peed on. now scram." now, i tried this 3 or 4 times, and every time, she stood right in what i hoped would be the line of fire. couldn't bring myself to tinkle on the bebe. so i chickened out. and it wasn't anything to do with stage fright, because being a cat slave for 13 years, i have learned the simple fact that cats ARE going to watch you weewee, you just have to give it up and get over it.

so i came back inside, and Bikermommy asked how it went, and i told her i would hold it. she told me to get back out there and try again. finally, equipped with my germ-killer, toilet paper and will power, i tried again. i knew i needed a distraction for the bebe, so i turned on the garden hose, which kept her distracted and confused long enough for me to get started.

in the beginning, it was a little complicated. point. point what? i figured it out.

sho'nuff. i did it.

i am woman. hear me roar with laughter at the death of the last thing you guys actually had on us. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Comments

[Colt Springfield]

Koooll!! Welcome to the standup club(somehow I feel perverted for saying that,but they're truly meant as words of encouragement).It's not often a dude gets to welcome a chick to the standup club.BTW,it sounds like your migraines were replaced by plumbing headaches-hope it turns out OK after a good roto-rooting.
To all those thinking dirty thoughts-I know how it sounds, but I don't mean it that way.

[Serenity]

ROFL! Who says blogging isn't educational?

I will admit, I tried it again on the off chance I got lucky the first time. Needless to say, all went well which, of course, put me in stitches all over again.

Then I read your story and was slayed one more time.

(btb: Welcome to TX! (Although it feels weird for me to say that since I just got here too, Sep 2003) and if you see a few hits from me all in a row, it was because my connection has been slow and I got impatient waiting for your page to load.)

Anyway, this is the last blog I'm reading tonight and THAT was a perfect end to my day. Hilarious!

[SpaceMonkey]

{stunned silence}

[Colt Springfield]

Space,I contemplated silence,then decided you only live once,if you're going swimmin' go to the deep end.

[sarahk]

um, thanks, Colt, i think. SpaceMonkey, i live to leave people in stunned silence, so yay for me.

Serenity, when i read yours a few days ago, i was dying laughing. then today when i had my issues, i thought, well! this is why i read so many blogs! they ARE educational! was so thankful that i read the instructions. oh, i've been in texas my whole life, just new to amarillo (fort worth since i was 3). thanks, though!

i'm on my way to the backyard now (the plumber was unsuccessful, so i still have no toilet).

[Colt Springfield]

That's a bummer the plumber couldn't fix the prob.,maybe there's not enough drop between the house sewer line to the city's sewer line(gravity is important).
And I mean nothing disrespectful in my earlier remarks.BTW,glad to be talking to a fellow native Texan.

[Chad Coleman]

Haha! I'm dyin!

*wipes tears

[quick prayer]Thank you Lord, for making me a male[/quick prayer]

BTW, I woulda hosed the cat. If you ask me, that would be somethin' to brag about on the ole blog.

[Frank J.]

Uh... congratulations?

Eww...

[jonag]

Toooooo funny!! Now I have to go read Serenity's instructions. This could be life-altering! I'll have something new to teach my 3 daughters ("Homeschooling is great! We learned how to pee standing up!"). My son has just figured out the standing-while-peeing thing and now he shows off by dropping "trou" wherever he is and taking care of business. Must work on the concept of modesty with him. Thanks Sarah for the laugh!!

[jason of avoca]

umm, yea... i got nothin

[Harvey]

Liberating, isn't it?

I'm just waiting for you to post the .wmv file :-)

[Greywolf]

Oh please don't. The text description is disturbing enough.

[Mahatma]

It is a new trend...pee blogging.

[James P]

Me and some people from my campus christian group may be going camping this weekend. The things you could show them......

[sarahk]

colt, the problem turned out to be that i had tree roots growing through my pipes. it took them a long time. (no disrespect taken)

chad, negatory on hosing the cat. not nice, even if it's her own fault. sorry i made you cry. :)

thank you frank, it does merit congratulations.

jonag, LOL, your poor daughters having to put up with their brother and his trou-dropping. being so close to the grand canyon, i can imagine this will revolutionize "g" family trips.

i don't think so, harvey.

james, i don't think i would show them anything. but i could explain. :)

[Joel]

Aaaugh! My virgin eyes!!! I must bathe them in bleach! (Just kidding.)

All I can really say is...

Wow.

[LokiDoki]

That was funny! and sadly true about the cats, I have 3 (Lucie, Ethel & Gracie) This guarantees I will never pee alone. If they are not in the bathroom with me they hang outside the door and complain bitterly, or try to get me to play mousietoy ping-pong. (they chuck a mouse toy under the door and wait for me to knock it back. Yeah, keep waiting cat.)

Methinks I just shared too much..... Hhhhmm.

[krakatoa]

How much news could I possibly miss on the two days between Seattle and San Francisco?

Seriously, Now that my Hero has been laid to rest, and the media could go back to Abu Grahib 24/7, I figured it would be safe to say 2 days could pass without my missing any earth-shattering news.

Now this female-peeing-standing-up news is out and the world as I knew it has ended... 2 days ago!!!

Woe is man. :P

[sarahk]

Loki - my girls knock if i shut them out of a room. and they don't stop knocking until i open the door.

hey, krakatoa, it's the info age! stay away for 2 days, it's like missing 2 weeks in the old days! you remember the old days, right? ;)

[Jess]

I tried peeing standing up but l can't get the pee to go forwards, any tips?

[John]

You're half-way there... now you've got to work on writing your name in the snow....

[kristen]

Hey Jess, just keep practising and you'll get it right sooner than you think!

[Wouldn't ya like to know.]

Just wanted to say that I think that it is soooo cool that you have posted this site. I once heard a comment that woman can do everything a man can do except pee satnding up. therefore men are still dominant. I have seen woman pee standing up, and it is awesome. It sure beats sitting down on a dirty toilet. congrat keep it up. (no pun intented)

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[grand canyon jeep tours]

It's just part of the tour sometimes.