so i went to the courthouse this morning to swear in front of a judge that i do, in fact, want that divorce; there was a long wait for a judge to actually show up, and i had to do something to occupy my time... so here are the top 10 things to do while waiting for the judge in divorce court.
10. borrow a portable DVD player and bring it along to watch The War of the Roses for inspiration purposes; when the movie gets really intense, stand up and throw the DVD player against the wall. it won't get the judge there any quicker, but it'll make the other folks think you're really ticked off, when really you're just as happy as you can be.
9. when no one's looking, pull out the voodoo doll of the exish husband and use lots of needles; if someone catches you doing this, just look at them and say, "you're next." that'll teach 'em to watch you practice voodoo.
8. ask the baliff (are they still called that?) if she can get Bull Shannon's autograph for you.
7. hum Alanis Morissette tunes; any one will do, they're all angry.
6. challenge other divorcees-to-be to a good ol' fashioned game of Life; bring your own personal board, on which all of the "get married" squares are crossed out with a big red X. when that game gets boring 5 minutes in, whip out the Simpsons-themed Battle of the Sexes game.
5. wheel in a foosball table, which you just happen to have handy at the courthouse, and play a game of "plaintiffs versus respondents".
4. carry your Magic 8-Ball around to each person in the courtroom and ask it, "Will such&such be divorced today?". make sure you've rigged it ahead of time to always say, "Not likely"; guaranteed to lift spirits.
3. ask the person next to you what they're being tried for; when you get the blank stare, say "this is where they try people for cold-blooded murder, right?" then get crazy eyes and watch them run away. good times.
2. whatever you do, DON'T make a date with anyone in there; they obviously don't like commitment.
and the #1 thing to do while waiting for the judge in divorce court...
take a nap. when the judge comes in, the sound of everyone getting up around you and leaving you just sitting there without so much as a tap on the shoulder to save you from embarrassment and contempt charges will wake you. i promise.
Been there, done that. No fun.
Posted by: toxic_avenger | Friday, May 14, 2004 at 11:48 PM
agreed. just happy that it's over.
Posted by: sarahk | Saturday, May 15, 2004 at 10:17 AM
Hey, but there might be some poor kindred spirits in there that have been wronged by their 'exish'. Maybe you should try to git some numbers? ....maybe even make a shirt that says 'Line forms the the Right, Fellers'.
..just an idea.
Posted by: Chad Coleman | Saturday, May 15, 2004 at 08:24 PM
yeah, but they'd come with baggage. who wants that?
Posted by: sarahk | Saturday, May 15, 2004 at 09:40 PM
Hah...well....i guess you could say that everybody comes with a little baggage. Right?
Posted by: Chad Coleman | Sunday, May 16, 2004 at 07:24 PM
are you implying that *I* have baggage? nay! i just have a psycho ex, no baggage involved there!
Posted by: sarahk | Sunday, May 16, 2004 at 09:05 PM
very funny
Posted by: jason | Monday, May 17, 2004 at 08:52 AM
Haha! who?... me??? Never! yea....I guess the fellers there would be sayin the same about you... haha. sorry. you can call me bad names if you want.
Posted by: Chad Coleman | Friday, May 21, 2004 at 01:57 AM
hey, bad names if you want, the fellers there would be honored to be in my presence.
Posted by: sarahk | Friday, May 21, 2004 at 03:25 AM