mountaineer musings: 3.19 HOURGLASS

Dear JJ,
I stop sending you tough love mail, and immediately you forget that Larvin muggin’ down with Vaughn is absolutely unacceptable. Do I have to remind you every week? Or is this a sick joke or a parallel universe from which the viewers will thankfully awake? Not to worry, though, JJ, I’ve got your back; in my version, I will appropriately change all unacceptable larving to something more palatable.

Since this week’s episode was great (disgusting Larvin scenes notwithstanding), I’ll leave you alone for now. Consider yourself warned, though, JJ: if there’s any more of that putrid behavior, instead of getting a hate post-it from me, you’ll get a full-blown letter. I might even print it out and mail it. Are you afraid? You should be.

Lovin’ tough,
sarahk

p.s. I’ve addressed this with Vaughn himself, but I figure I should take it up with you... Can we have Gothic Vaughn every single week? I’ve never been into that look, but I couldn’t stop salivating over him last week; how can one scene embody so much hotness, beauty and machismo? Kudos, bravo, encore, etc. Ta!

Previously on ALIAS... the Covenant is looking for the Passenger; Sloane was working with Senator Reed for a government agency called The Trust and wants Jack to prove it; Dixon told Jack that Sloane had an affair with Irina; Syd told Vaughn that Larvin is the mole; Vaughn found proof of that; Jack thinks Irina is the Passenger.

This week’s episode begins with Jack sitting in his car chatting with Irina on his laptop. He tells her that he has information about the Covenant’s endgame; he asks her about the Passenger, and she abruptly terminates the chat session and her user account.

In Nepal, we see the monastery that Sloane visited at the end of season two, and the monk (David Carradine) is inside praying or chanting or taking a romantic bath, because there are cozy candles everywhere. Mistuh Sahhk puts a gun to the monk’s head.

SARK: Tell me about the Passenger.
MONK: I am muttering something in some language that neither you nor the viewers will understand so that we don’t have a lame pause here.
SARK: I appreciate that, and I have all kinds of respect for followuhs of Rambaldi and know that you’re a real smaht cookie. Howevuh, if you don’t tell me where the Passenger is, I’ll kill you in five seconds.

There is a lame pause, and after 4.97 seconds, the monk knocks the gun from Sark’s hand. Mistuh Sahhk looks confused (“Hmm. I thought that I was the super-spy and you were the peaceful monk.”) and tries to fight the monk. The monk toys with him for awhile, fending off his advances, then finally starts kicking Sark’s butt.

MONK: I cannot help you, Mister Sark.
SARK: How do you know my name? [glances at his own chest] Nope, I left the name tag at home today...
MONK [continuing to win the fight]: I can’t tell you where the Passenger is. See, she was supposed to meet me for coffee yesterday, and she stood me up. Now I can’t drink my icy Frappuccinos without crying.
SARK: Puh-haps in the fu-chuh, you should considuh drinking warm coffee, since you’re in the Himalayan mountains and all.

The monk sweeps Sark’s legs out from under him, throwing him on his back. A beautiful tiny woman suspended by butterfly wings flies into the room and drop-kicks the monk.

MONK: Who are you? You don’t look like the Passenger.
SARAHK: I’m not the Passenger. I’m SarahK, the Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection, and you, good sir, have just violated the Unilateral Protectorate Treaty of Hotness (UPTOH) by whooping up on the hottest evil spy on the planet.
MONK: That’s not Irina Derevko, that’s Mister Sark.
SARAHK: Not that hot evil spy; I don’t protect women, only the men that grace my dreams. You’ll have to talk to my dad; he might be interested in the job of protecting hot female evil spies.
MONK: You know, SarahK, Mister Vaughn was right about you; you are one fine dame.
SARAHK: How did you know about our brief encounter at the mall? I barely stopped as I flitted by him.
MONK: Obviously, I know everything.
SARAHK: Kind of like Spydaddy, Master of the Universe, huh? Say, you wouldn’t be able to tell me if Gothic Vaughn will be returning any time soon, would you?

The monk receives a tranq dart to the neck. Sark and SarahK look up to see Larmy standing there looking evil. Larmy GIVES SARK ORDERS???? She tells him to retrieve the manuscript regarding the Passenger, and she’ll meet him in Rajakstan (sp?), then tells him to bring the monk along, in case the manuscript is encrypted. SarahK steps up to Larmy.

SARAHK: Listen, Larmy, you do not give Mistuh Sahhk orders. He is hot, and you are insignificant, a cheerleader gone mad. Do you understand?
LARMY: Uh-uh.
SARAHK: Just as I suspected. You’re stupid like your daughter. You’ve been warned; don’t make me Unilaterally Protectorate your butt.
LARMY: Yes ma’am.

SarahK gets her butterfly wings in gear and flies away thinking “man, it’s cold here. I should have worn legwarmers over my purple spandex.”

Back in LA, Jack and Sydney are on the roof of a building, in the hot sunlight, in dark CIA suits, Syd in shades. Spydaddy tells Sydney about the chat with Irina ending abruptly. Syd says either Irina is the Passenger or is protecting the Passenger. They meet up with Vaughn, who is looking WAY HOT in shades and waiting for them on the roof.

SYD: What’s going on? Your message said it was important. I would have thought you wanted to snuggle with me, but you’ve never asked Spydaddy along before.
VAUGHN: You were right.
SYD: Of course I was right, I’m a woman, I’m always right. Right about what?
VAUGHN: Larvin’s the mole, she works for the Covenant. I should have known, since she smells evil and gets giddy when we mention Mister Sark.
JACK: You have proof ?
VAUGHN: Well, just yesterday, we were talking about Sark, and she got all dreamy-eyed and started drooling.
JACK: Not that she likes Sark, that she’s Covenant.
VAUGHN [nods]: Yeah. I guess that means we can be together again, Syd.
JACK: Focus, Mr. Vaughn!
SYD: You are soooo gonna have to kiss up to me. But anyway, we need to talk to Dixon & figure out how to handle this.
JACK: I’m the CIA’s top strategist, Sydney, what do you think Dixon can tell you that I can’t? Hmm? Hmm?
VAUGHN: Oh, I know how to handle this.
SYD: You can start by eating crow.
JACK: You must act like nothing has changed. Play the playa, dawg, ya know?
VAUGHN: Ok, what’s plan B, because that’s not an option. Now that I know she’s evil and our whole marriage was a sham, I’m ready to kick her out and elope with your daughter.
JACK: Mr. Vaughn, you should just stop talking and listen to me –
SARAHK [flitting in on her butterfly wings]: Spydaddy, be nice to Vaughn. I protect all of you hot guys, and I do have a bit of a crush on you, Spypops, but Vaughn’s the bomb, yo. Cool down and talk nice. [crosses her arms and taps her tiny toes]
SYD: Hey, where did you find purple spandex? That’s an awesome outfit, SarahK.
SARAHK: Thanks, I have it custom made and flown in from this school for the gifted in the north. Do you like my wings? I’m thinking they’re too big.
JACK: SarahK, are you quite done here?
SARAHK [eye twitching]: Um, you’ll know when I’m done, Spydaddy. According to UPTOH, as your Protector, I’m kinda in charge.
JACK: But I’m Spydaddy, Master of the Universe.
SARAHK: Yes, you’re Master of the Universe when I’m not around. See, you’re kinda like the UN, and I’m the United States. Dig?
JACK: Dig.
SYD: I think your wings are the perfect size for your 5-foot frame. And I love the jewels on your thongs!

Jack and Vaughn go around behind SarahK and try to check out her booty. Syd smacks Vaughn upside the head, and SarahK smacks Spydaddy.

SYD: Not thong, thongs, as in flip-flops. [smacks Vaughn again for good measure.]
SARAHK: Yeah, fellas, I don’t wear any underwear. You know, panty lines under the spandex. Completely unacceptable.
[lame pause]
SARAHK: Ok, now I’m quite done, Spydaddy. But I’m going to stay here to supervise.
JACK: Now, Mr. Vaughn, the Covenant is ahead of us in the search for the Passenger.
VAUGHN: Have you tried Google?
JACK: Yes, Mr. Vaughn, I already thought of that. Anyway, tracking Larvin might allow us to catch up. Your wife—
SARAHK [grabbing Jack by the ear]: Spydaddy, I can only tolerate so much, and you are wearing my patience thin.
JACK: What’d I do, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection?
SARAHK: Do NOT refer to Larvin as Vaughn’s WIFE. Understood?
JACK: I understand. [SarahK releases Jack’s ear.] Mr. Vaughn, the, um, lady that, um, Larvin [glances at SarahK to see if that was acceptable] cannot detect the slightest alteration in your relationship. I will inform Dixon to secure the agency that Larvin doesn’t even work for, limiting her access to classified documents.
VAUGHN: Ok, stop. My wife [dodges SarahK] – sorry, Butterfly – Larvin betrayed me, she betrayed all of us! You can’t expect me to pretend that never happened.
SYD: You know what I’d like to pretend never happened? The whole first half of the season. The last five minutes of season two. Your whole sham marriage! [flicks her hair back.]
JACK: Sydney, please. Mr. Vaughn, I’m not sure you have a choice.
VAUGHN: Why’s that?
JACK: Because you’re the one that married her. [SarahK tackles Spydaddy.] Oops, my bad, Butterfly.
***
Vaughn is sitting at his computer at the mothership, and Larvin walks up and kisses Vaughn. Vaughn starts looking around for someone.

LARVIN: Michael, who ahh you looking for?
VAUGHN: Oh, no one. [continues looking around]
LARVIN: I missed you this morning. [continues touching Vaughn, getting her evilness on him.]
VAUGHN: Where IS she?
[SarahK dives at Larvin, taking her to the ground by her hair.]
VAUGHN [big smile]: There she is.
SARAHK: Sorry I’m late. Spydaddy and I were having coffee. Be still, Larvin!
LARVIN: Michael, I missed you this morning. Ouch!
VAUGHN: I had to get away from your evilness; the smell was really starting to bother me. I’m sorry, I should have told you.
LARVIN: No, I like it. I was able to go see Mistuh Sahk on my way here.
SARAHK: Did you touch him???
LARVIN: Yes, of course.
SARAHK: You are sooooo gonna regret that. Where is Spydaddy?
LARVIN: No! Please, not Jack! Michael, why ahn’t you helping me?
VAUGHN: Because I – [Jack, standing across the room eavesdropping puts one finger over his lips] – I’m stuck to my chair.
LARVIN: Say, Michael. Before my dad died – ouch! – I mean, before my mum killed my dad, I asked if you would come to counseling with me, and you said no. I still think it could help, it’s just a thought.
VAUGHN [after receiving a nod from Jack]: Sure, babe, whatever you want.

Sydney has been watching the exchange with Jack and asks him if Vaughn will still live with his wife’s betrayal after thirty years. Jack says, “Absolutely. Though I’m not sure why, since he’s been married less than a year, they have no children, and he’s in love with you anyway.” “No kidding.”

Dixon and Marshall arrive and tell Jack & Syd that the Covenant has kidnapped someone who can help them find the Passenger. A convoy is transporting them across Rajakstan (sp?), and Syd & Vaughn will intercept the convoy and retrieve the kidnapped. Marshall tells them they’re going in “old school”. Cut to the next scene, where “old school” means they’re riding horses through the desert chasing the convoy, and “convoy” means a grand total of two trucks. Mistuh Sahhk is in the front truck with the manuscript. Sydney jumps into the back of the second truck and rescues the monk. As he’s moving from the truck to her horse, Mistuh Sahhk, who has seen the horses in the side-view mirrors (hmm, I was sure he wouldn’t see them ;) ), shoots him. Sahhk tells the driver to “press on” – hmm, isn’t that a military thing? Syd gets to the monk, who is dying on the ground. He tells her that “they have The Restoration. The Passenger is compromised.” Syd takes off her turban to use as a press to stop the bleeding, and the monk recognizes her. “It’s you,” he says. “The Passenger, she is your destiny.” “How is she my destiny, as a friend? An enemy? Tell me that. Is the Passenger my mother?” He says, “The Passenger is your sister” and dies...

Back at the mothership...

SYDNEY: You know how people wear these shirts that say “My daughter went to Rajakstan, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?”
JACK: You forgot to bring me a t-shirt? That’s ok.
SYDNEY: No, Dad. I got you one. [tosses him a t-shirt]
JACK: “My daughter went to Rajakstan and found out she has a sister.” That’s cute, Sydney, way better than those other lame – what? A sister?
SYDNEY: Ding ding ding ding! Dad, is it true?
JACK: I don’t know.

Sydney wonders if the reason Irina’s name was linked to the Passenger was because she had another child. Jack breaks the news about Irina having an affair with Sloane and tells Sydney that it’s possible that the Passenger is the result of that affair.

Syd and her cute bangs walk in slo-mo to Sloane’s cell. Sloane is glad to see Sydney and wants her to help him. He insists that he didn’t violate his pardon agreement, that he worked with Senator Reed for the Trust, and that Jack has proof of it.
SYDNEY: If you’re “innocent”, and I use the term loosely, my father would find a way to stay your execution. Even though you DID IT with his wife.
SLOANE: Um, well, uh, hey Sydney, you should definitely focus on trying to save my life, not on the fact that I DID IT with your mom.
SYDNEY: I’m not focusing on you & Spymommy, I’m focusing on the child that resulted from your little fling. A sister I never knew I had.
SLOANE: Oh, that. Yes, I’m sure you were shocked to learn that you had a sister. I was shocked myself.
SYDNEY: You’re telling me you didn’t know.
SLOANE: Not until two years ago –
SYDNEY: Two years, huh? You mean the two years that you and the Covenant took from me? [reaches through the cell bars and grabs Sloane by the throat]
SLOANE: Um, guard? [Sydney releases throat.] As I was saying, the Rambaldi machine gave me an individual’s DNA and the word “peace”.
SYDNEY: Which in Greek translates to Irina. Say, speaking of Greek, this doesn’t have anything to do with that copy of the Iliad that I procured for you, does it?
SLOANE: Hmm, that, well, let’s focus on the affair, the child, I mean. Sydney, I took a DNA test that confirmed that I was the father of the child. I created Omnifam; while I innoculated millions of people against diseases, I had access to medical databases that identified people through their DNA. I hoped it would help me find my daughter, but wah, I failed.
SYDNEY: You know she is the Passenger.
SLOANE: Yes, I know. That’s why I want to find her, because the Passenger is a danger to you.
SYDNEY: What was that? I wasn’t listening.
SLOANE: Oh, nothing, I was just rambling anyway. Sydney, I know the Covenant is after your sister; I want to protect my child. [gets all teary-eyed.] Please talk to your pops. If he’s concealing info that would exonerate me because i DID IT with Irina, convince him to give it to you. If not for my sake –
SYDNEY: Um, that’s a given.
SLOANE: -- Then for your sister’s.
SYDNEY: You want me to help you find my sister so you can protect her from me, right?
SLOANE: See that’s the thing, she doesn’t need protection from you. You went and climbed Mount Subasio and ruined the whole prophecy that I, I mean Rambaldi, had written.
SYDNEY: Or maybe the prophecy is about my sister and not me. Does she look like me?
SLOANE: I don’t know. I hope she looks like me.

Sydney vomits on Sloane’s shoes again and leaves.
***

Hey, there’s Weiss, in his brief appearance in this episode. And I think he has one line.
Weiss & Marshall burst into Dixon’s office, where Jack is giving Dixon orders. An interwoven scene ensues, and it’s a fun one, because there are three different scenes. What they have learned from Project Blackhole is that the Restoration refers to documents written about the Passenger. The Covenant has them, but they can’t read them, because Blackhole has the only code key.

DIXON: It’s a stalemate.
JACK: Wow, you sure do give up easily. It’s not a stalemate if we’re smart about it.
DIXON: What do we do, boss?
JACK: We call a briefing in the conversation room.
DIXON: You mean like the one at SD-6? Are we going to torture Larvin?
JACK [rubs his hands together and starts salivating]: That’s a wonderful idea... wait, let’s use her first. Call a briefing in the non-torturous conversation room, making sure to include Larvin. Once she’s there, Dixon will detail the following information...
in the conversation room...
DIXON: Blah blah blah Restoration. [Larvin’s ears and evil eyes perk up.] Analysis thinks they can find the documents super-quick.
Larvin looks even more evil, Vaughn looks at her out of the corner of his eye and is not very good with the poker face. Sydney should learn him up on that.
back in Dixon’s office...
JACK: Then explain what we’re going to do with the Restoration documents once we get them. Explain it very slowly and in detail, because Larvin’s really stupid.
conversation room
DIXON: Project Blackhole is delivering the code key today. As soon as we have it, we’ll begin decoding it. Any questions?
LARVIN: What’s a code key?
Dixon’s office...
JACK: In truth, Marshall will be receiving a bogus code key.
[Marshall is intently listening. He’s so cute, the best geek ever.]
DIXON: Since Larvin is so dumb and all, we should also remind her that...
conversation room
JACK: Even if we do not recover the documents, we know that without this code key, the Covenant will not be able to read the Restoration. Are you getting this, Larvin, or should I go over it again?
LARVIN [looking evil and confused]: I’ll email my mummy and ask her to translate all this brainiac talk into moron language latuh.
JACK: Larmy the dimwit? You’d better try Mister SaRk.
Dixon’s office...
JACK: It is probable Larvin will try to copy the code key right under our noses; she’s quite a reckless spy. [to Marshall] That’s where you come in.
MARSHALL [looking paranoid]: Me?
JACK: You have to act completely normal.
in Marshall’s office...
Marshall is looking at the bogus code key when Larvin walks in and says his name, scaring the pee out of him. He jumps up with clatter.
MARSHALL : Larvin, Agent Vaughn...Reed...Mrs. Vaughn-Reed. What... can i do for you? Would you like some candy? Mints for your skanky breath?
LARVIN: No thanks. Project Blackhole does not share its toys as often as the Cov... um, NSC would like. Governmental turf-war, that kind of thing.
MARSHALL [nods knowingly and begins sweating]: Of course.
LARVIN: When I told them about the code key, they insisted I detail it for them.
MARSHALL: Well, I would have picked someone reliable, but, well, go ahead, have a look, if you want to, have a gander.
[Larvin puts her coffee mug down very suspiciously.]
MARSHALL: Whoa, no, not on the Flinkman file... [picks up and moves the coffee mug] That’s a little journal I’m keeping for Mitch... patent ideas, history of quantum mechanics, some engineering terms SarahK couldn’t understand.
LARVIN [looking at the fake code key]: The letters here, what language is that?
MARSHALL: It’s fourth century Neopolitan Italian, which I love saying, because it makes me think of ice cream, I mean...[throws back his head and laughs].
LARVIN [smiles & fake chuckles]: Neopolitan ice cream is my favorite. [takes the mug and leaves]
MARSHALL: really, mine too.

end interwoven scenes...
MARSHALL [running into Dixon’s office]: Wow, she is good.
[A burst of laughter from everyone in the room.]
JACK: You’re joking, right? Larvin’s terrible at spying.
SARK: I won’t ahhgue with you there.
DIXON: How did you get in here?
SARAHK: He’s with me. But we’ll get out of the way here now. Come on, Sweetie Pie.
SYDNEY: See ya later, SarahK, Jules.
SARAHK: Ta!
SARK: Not if I see you first, love. [SarahK picks up Sark and flits away with him on her butterfly wings.]
JACK: She’s something else, isn’t she? Almost makes me forget about Irina.
DIXON: Almost makes me forget about Irina, too.
MARSHALL: Me too.
VAUGHN: Me too. [Sydney smacks him upside the head.] Sorry.
MARSHALL: Hey, Vaughn, your wi—[sees SarahK coming back toward the window] --- that woman [SarahK turns back around], she’s really good. I mean if you were going to pick someone evil to fall in love with [gets hit by a purple brick that drops from the ceiling] – um, not that you’re in love with her or anything.
JACK: Do you have anything to say that isn’t gonna get you Protectorated?
MARSHALL: She took my thumbprint. Let me log in here and see why... Ah, I, well, not me, my thumbprint has just walked into the copy room.
Larvin is duplicating the fake code key.

Sydney tells Jack that Sloane is her sister’s father for sure and that if Jack has information that would clear Sloane, he should turn it over.
Vaughn and Sydney are staked out watching Larvin, who is waiting for her Covenant contact. Vaughn tells Sydney he wants a normal life, and Sydney thinks, “Hmm. That would not include me. What a big fat jerk, after all I’ve been through for him, saved his life at least twice, and he wants a normal life.” She stomps on his foot. “Hey, what was that for?” “Nothing.”

Larmy walks up, and Vaughn notes that she is supposed to be in London. Larvin gives Larmy something, and Larmy says something about killing Larvin’s father to protect her. She says some key spy words like “Passenger” and “Covenant”, and Vaughn looks at Sydney. “What are you looking at me for? I’m not evil.” “I know, baby. I just wanted to tell you that I love you.” Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. K, that didn’t really happen.

Vaughn and Larvin meet with Dr. Dippy.
BARNETT: I DID IT with Arvin Sloane in Zurich.
VAUGHN: What?
BARNETT: Nothing. Let’s talk about you two kids.
VAUGHN: Larvin doesn’t trust me. Our marriage is in trouble, because she is evil.
LARVIN: Our marriage is in trouble because he thinks he’s still in love with Sydney.
BARNETT: Duh.
VAUGHN: I don’t think I’m still in love with her. I know it. I mean, Sydney and I have a history. She’s very important to me, we’re together a lot... [eyes glaze over, voice drifts off. Larvin elbows him.] Oh, um, Sydney and I go on a lot of trips together.
BARNETT: What about you two. Do you ever take trips?
VAUGHN: Not together. I mean, we end up at the same places, on the same missions, but she goes there behind my back.
LARVIN: That’s right.
VAUGHN: Larvin’s going to see Larmy at her drafty old house.
LARVIN: Well, just for a day.
BARNETT: It’s a start...

Dr. Dippy walks into Dixon’s office and tells the crew that it worked, that Vaughn is going with Larvin to Larmy’s house. Sydney gets on her cell phone. “Yeah, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection? It’s Syd. Vaughn’s going to need you, he’s going to Larmy’s house with Larvin and will be surrounded on all sides by evil, filthy women who might try to touch him.” “Already on my way.”

So Vaughn and Larvin go to see Larmy, who acts nice until Vaughn leaves the room, then tells Larvin that Vaughn’s presence is completely unacceptable. SarahK, who has been happily sunning under the skylight, flits down and knocks on Larmy’s skull.

SARAHK: Excuse me, Mrs. Larmy, have you seen Michael Vaughn? I mean, seriously. You can’t be upset that he’s here.
LARMY: But see, we’re evil, and he’s a good guy, never a good mix. [looks around.] What happened to Larvin?
SARAHK: She’s hiding from me. I intimidate her.
LARVIN [hiding under the couch]: I’m not scahed of you, SarahK.
SARAHK [dragging Larvin out by her hair]: Really? Care to say that to my face?
LARVIN: No, ma’am.
SARAHK: Hey, I have a question for you ladies, or... whatever you are. Why in the world would Mistuh Sahhk trust you two with something as important as a Rambaldi scroll? Doesn’t he know y’all are morons?
LARMY: What’s a moron?
***
Meanwhile, Vaughn is planting something in a lamp in another room so Marshall & Syd can look for the Larmy safe.

Larvin, Larmy and Mr. Hotness, Michael Vaughn, then go outside (SarahK is sunning by the pool this time, just out of sight). Larmy is telling Vaughn some sob story about learning that her husband was a bad guy and not having any friends wah wah wah. Vaughn gets a call on his cell phone...

VAUGHN: Yeah, it’s me, hot Vaughn.
MARSHALL: The safe is in the study.
VAUGHN: It’s Weiss, he needs help with his boxers, I mean, he needs help with a brief. [touches Larvin, SarahK flits over and brushes the evilness off of his hands with her Guardian mini-broom.] Thanks, hottie. Larvin, you’re cold because you have no heart pumping warm blood through your body. I’ll get you a sweater while I’m inside.

SarahK follows Vaughn inside, and he goes into the study and opens the safe. He begins scanning the text on the scroll with his neat-o scanner spy watch. Larvin asks Larmy about the documents, and Larvin tells her she had planned to decode them while Larvin was there at the house, but since she brought Hot Vaughn along, there was no time. Sydney and Marshall, listening on coms, spot a cold dot moving through the house. “Vaughn, your cold wife is coming, you’d better get out of the study.” Vaughn finishes scanning the scroll just in time. Larvin comes through the door. SarahK is suspended from the ceiling by her spy thongs (flip-flops) and spider-like spy hands, intently watching.

LARVIN: Sweethahht, what ahh you doing in here?
VAUGHN: Looking at our wed—[SarahK swoops down, clamps a hand over Vaughn’s mouth and wags her finger at him.] Um, I was just looking at this neat-o paperweight. Do you remember seeing it before?
LARVIN [trembling in fear]: I guess. You know, Michael, our wed—um, paperweight day was the happiest day of my life. I want to be happy again.
VAUGHN: Yeah, me too; don’t worry, Syd and I will be together again soon.
LARVIN: Blasted Sydney Bristow, that mealy-mouthed ninny.

Vaughn’s eardrums are blasted with a shriek. “Sorry, Vaughn, I couldn’t stop myself,” says Sydney. Larvin starts to kiss Vaughn, while Sydney and Marshall listen. Never fear, SarahK instead tackles Larvin. Vaughn says “Thanks, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection! You’re my heroine.” Larvin says, “Michael, I didn’t know you did drugs.” Vaughn and SarahK roll their eyes at Larvin’s stupidity, and Sydney makes Marshall stop listening over coms. “Same old thing, Marshall. SarahK is scaring the peepee out of Larvin.” SarahK says, “Yes, there are some perks to the Protectorate job.”
***

Back at the mothership, Dixon, Jack, Marshall, Vaughn and Sydney discuss the findings from the Resurrection. There is a building in Little Tokyo where an hourglass is kept in a personal art gallery; this hourglass will reveal the location of the Passenger to only one man – her father. Sydney talks to Jack and tells him that if Sloane dies, she can’t find her sister. “Sloane deserves to die, yes, but not for this.” Sydney tricks Jack into telling her that Sloane was, indeed, working for the Trust. Jack says, “Hey, you tricked me! I should have known, Mr. Vaughn tricked me the same way when he got me to tell him that I framed Russek to save your life a few years ago. Drats.” Sydney does the Cabbage Patch and says, “Face, Spydaddy!” Jack stomps on his own foot and tells Sydney he’ll turn over the information to DOJ when they arrive.

Vaughn and Syd, in another very bad wig, go to Little Tokyo with very little time, as Sloane is close to being executed. While they’re staking out their mission, Vaughn says, “Syd, about what happened in Richmond.” Sydney says, “You were doing your job, and SarahK did hers, thank goodness. Besides, she is your – well, you know.” Vaughn says, “Not for long.” YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we get to see an encore of Really Ticked Off Vaughn, whom I adore.

DOJ arrives at the mothership and tells Jack that he’s really looking forward to seeing this [content deleted to keep it safe for families] die. Jack shoves the folder that he was going to use to clear Sloane in a drawer and goes to visit Sloane. We see Jack walking toward Sloane’s cell with two wine glasses and a bottle of wine. Immediately, I’m thinking Jack’s gonna fake Sloane’s death!!! Of course, I thought he would be out the rest of the season and we would be shocked to see him in season four. Jack starts talking about a mission with Sloane in Saigon in ’75.
JACK: April of ’75 in Saigon, you toasted Syd’s birth with Chateau Blah Blah. Now that you have a daughter, I’m repaying the gesture.
SLOANE: Um, Jack, I’ve had a daughter for many years.
JACK: This is no time to be coy.
SLOANE: Well I’m surprised you would toast my daughter, considering she’s the result of me DOING IT with your wife.
JACK: That’s right, she was my wife.
SLOANE: She was a spy doing her job, and your relationship was nothing more than that. [SarahK tackles Sloane.] Oops. Didn’t see you.
SARAHK: I can materialize from the air at will. Ain’t it cool?
SLOANE: Mmhmm. Anyway, Jack, don’t let your schoolboy crush keep you from doing the right thing. SarahK, could you let go of my ear?
SARAHK: Sure. [squeezes his ear harder.]

Jack gives Sloane a glass of wine and tells him that “what you have done to my daughter is nothing compared to what I will do when I find yours. Salud. UN my left foot, bunch o' sissies.” Woohoo, Spydaddy! I love it when he’s so sinister!! Spydaddy puts the wine glass to his lips and doesn’t drink it, and at this point I’m convinced Sloane isn’t going to die.

Sloane is led to his execution; he passes Dixon, who says he prays that his soul will find peace in the next life. Um, you didn’t mean “peace” as in “Irina”, did you, Dixon? Sloane walks by Jack, who blinks “see ya in a few” in morse code. Sloane doesn’t pick up on it.

Sydney arrives in the sublevel that contains the hourglass. Sloane is hooked up to the machines; Larvin arrives, Dixon asks what she’s doing there, and she says she had no intention of missing the execution of this traituh. Um, Larvin, I hate to tell you this, but Sloane is most likely The Man, so it’s really not smaht of you to badmouth your own boss. He’s a bad dude who will clip you; hmm, nevermind, carry on.

Sloane makes a speech about knowing he deserves to die, that this is how it should be. His only request is that if his daughter is found alive, she will understand that I’m only dying today because of my passion to find her, know her, love her. Jack’s thinking, “Don’t worry Arvin, we’ll take goooood care of your daughter. Mwahahahahahahahahaha!”

Sydney sees that the hourglass has a lot of countermeasures that are going to get her caught. Marshall tells her he’ll figure something out, but when he tells her that Sloane is about to be executed, she says that there is no time. She gets down with her bad self and just starts shooting; she kills all of the security detail except one, and as he’s about to turn the corner and find her, Protective Vaughn kills him.

Sloane is executed as Larvin, Dixon, Jack and DOJ watch. Sydney brings the hourglass back to the mothership and sees everyone come out of the traitor-killin’ room. She won’t speak to Jack.

Larvin calls Larmy, quite proud of herself, and tells her that Sloane is dead, so they can find the Passenger without his interference. Larmy informs her that the code key is unusable, that Vaughn played her like a harp. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Larmy says, “He’s likely to try again, but that will be his last mistake.” Um, no ma’am, you are insignificant, and you will be squashed.

Jack revives Sloane in the morgue and gives a great Spydaddy Master of the Universe speech. “I’m surprised you didn’t get the reference. Just like we used in Saigon. Understand this was not done out of compassion. I orchestrated this only because I need you.” Sloane is thinking, “And I orchestrated this only because I want to escape.”

Thus ends Hourglass. I’m going to spout off another theory... what if Sloane isn’t the Passenger’s father? What if he played that perfectly (as we knew he was playing Dr. Dippy from the beginning) and he’s not actually the father of the Passenger? And Jack saved his life for no reason? What if they show him the Hourglass and it doesn’t reveal the location of the Passenger to him? What if Jack looks at the Hourglass and sees the location himself? I doubt that Jack is the father, but what if Sloane’s not either? And he’s been kept alive for one reason and one reason only – to escape. And earlier in the season, Katya told Sloane to back off Irina. Is this because Irina is trying to protect the Passenger from Sloane? Lots to ponder...

On the next brand-new ALIAS, Mistuh Sahhk is going to torture a shirtless Vaughn (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm), and Larvin is going to help him? What? “Not everything was a lie.” Back off Sydney’s man, you freakshow. BTW, SarahK will be intervening on the behalf of Shirtless Hot Hot Vaughn, in case you were wondering.