previously in my fake ALIAS episode
syd, vaughn and weiss land in rome and are greeted by a CIA spyteam. they change into spy clothes (vaughn in his suit, sydney looking like something out of "engineers on crack", weiss looking thin, no, heavy, no, thin...) and line up with the rest of the spyteam to comb the streets of rome...
WEISS: remember, folks, rome is a big city, so we'll need to work quickly.
VAUGHN [to syd]: goodness, this is gonna take all night.
SYD: yeah i know. hey, everyone, join hands, let's get started!
the spyteam joins hands and spreads out across a roman street, combing the street inch by inch, looking for any sign of struggle or mistuh sahhk.
SYD [crouching down]: wait, i think i've got something. it's a pocket protector, marshall's been here. [touches ear and looks straight up toward the satellites] hey dad?
JACK [on coms back in LA]: yeah, sweetheart, what have you got?
SYD: it's marshall's pocket protector. what do you think?
JACK: i think i'll torture larvin for info. i'll get back with you. in the meantime, stay right where you are.
SYD: what if a car is coming?
JACK: sydney, you're a genius, figure it out.
SYD: gotcha.
***
back at the mothership, spydaddy is rubbing his hands together vigorously. he is crouched down over a barely animated larvin, who is softly humming "when i fall in love" and staring off into the distance.
JACK: alright, missy, you have a choice here. you can tell me where your lover sark is taking marshall and i can just pull your hair a few times, or you can not tell me and i can torture the information out of you. what'll it be?
LARVIN: if only larmy were here, at the CIA, where she doesn't work and neither do i.
LARMY [rushing into the conversation room]: larvin, i came as soon as i heard that jack was torturing you. what can i do to help?
JACK: hand me that vice grip over there... no, the smaller one, your daughter is a twig... thanks.
LARVIN: mum! why ahh you helping jack? shouldn't you be helping your daughtah?
LARMY: what, and be tortured myself? are you mad?
LARVIN: i see your point. jack, stop it! STOP IT! STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!
JACK: mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
***
JACK: sydney, come in.
SYD: i'm here dad.
JACK: are you anywhere near the coliseum?
SYD: yes, i'm looking at it, it's about 10 feet away.
JACK: good. marshall is inside the coliseum, seated at a small computer desk in the middle of the arena. but sydney, there are three snipers watching him closely, and if you attempt to rescue him, they will take him out.
SYD: like to dinner? i'd like to go to dinner.
VAUGHN: me too.
WEISS: hey, can the whole team come?
JACK: no, sydney, not to dinner. they'll kill him.
SYD: oh no! well that's not acceptable... oh, i have a plan! vaughn, weiss and i will each sneak up behind a sniper and kick them in the back of the knees. they'll lose balance, and we'll reach out and catch their tranquilizer guns --
JACK: sydney, be careful, this is the covenant we're talking about. they don't use tranquilizers, their guns have caps in them.
SYD: ok, then we'll reach out and catch their cap guns--
JACK: no, syd, they're not cap guns, their guns have bullets. [rolls eyes]
SYD: got it. what about sark?
sydney hears static through her earpiece, then what she believes is muzak fills her head.
SYD: dad? vaughn, it's some celine dion song. i didn't know they played musak on spy earpieces.
VAUGHN: that's not muzak, syd, that's larvin. jack, is larvin humming?
JACK: yes, she tends to do that when i torture her of late.
VAUGHN: funny, she does that when i torture her by talking to sydney, too.
JACK: yes, well if it doesn't stop, i'm going to surgically remove her vocal chords. [musak stops] that's better... larvin, tell me where sark is.
LARVIN: he should be sitting right next to mahshall, playing solitaire on his laptop.
SYD: i heard her, dad. we'll take care of it.
JACK: be careful, syd. [muffled screams] hold still, evil commie traitor, this won't hurt a bit. mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
***
syd, vaughn & weiss brief the rest of the roman spyteam on the plan; the other team members form a circle around the coliseum and discuss its architecture and history and the movie "gladiator" while syd, vaughn & weiss kick the snipers in the backs of their knees and procure their guns. then sydney sneaks up behind mistuh sahhk.
SYD: put the 8 of hearts on the 9 of spades.
SARK: thank you, i don't know how i missed that... what next?
SYD [pointing gun at back of sark's head]: put your hands where i can see them.
MARSHALL: hey, syd! i've come to rescue you!
SYD: are you ok, marshall? i know how much you hate flying.
MARSHALL: yeah, you know, i don't get much sleep these days with the little mitch-man waking me up all hours of the night. so i slept like a baby...well, not like a baby, because babies really don't sleep much...but anyway, i slept the entire flight.
SYD: sark, i said put your hands where i can see them.
SARK: can't you see them here? on my laptop touchpad? i've worked hard at this game, i really hate to stop now.
SYD: here, let me help. [slams sark's laptop closed]
SARK: well, that was uncalled for. you hurt my finguhs.
SYD: yeah, i'm real sad about that. [cuffs sark]
SARK: why are you cuffing me? how am i supposed to escape if i'm in handcuffs?
SYD: don't worry, these are evaporating handcuffs. as soon as you're back in the US, they disappear, and you're a free man. but you're not going anywhere until i have dinner with vaughn. stand up.
SARK [standing]: ah, yes. how is larvin's husband doing?
syd kicks sark in the back of the knees, causing him to fall and hit his head on the computer desk, which renders him unconscious.
MARSHALL: you're kind of sensitive about vaughn having a wife, huh?
SYD: would you like to join sark in la-la land?
MARSHALL: no...sorry...my...bad...i love you, syd.
VAUGHN [rushing in with weiss to carry sark back to the CIA spyteam]: marshall, that's my line.
MARSHALL: oh, hey, mr. vaughn, nice to see you. i was just...uh...i...i love you, mr. vaughn.
VAUGHN: i love you too.
so sydney, vaughn & weiss have saved the day w/ little help from the roman CIA spyteam. sark, weiss & marshall have dinner together on the plane while vaughn and sydney dine, finally, at trattoria dinardi (sp?).
SYD: wow, you're right, vaughn. the food here would have been worth getting caught by SD-6.
VAUGHN: i love you, syd.
SYD: i love you, too, vaughn.
VAUGHN: waiter? where's my creme brulee?
SYD: you're so romantic.
the team returns to LA with mr. sark, who somehow gets out of his evaporating handcuffs as soon as the plane lands.
SYD: see ya, jules.
SARK: not if i see you first, love.
***
back in the conversation room...
SYD: dad, your plan worked. we got marshall back, sark is free again, and vaughn & i finally ate dinner.
JACK: i'm glad, sweetheart. things are well here, too.
SYD: what's that noise?
VAUGHN: it sounds like larvin, but i can't quite make it out.
[they all look around the room and see nothing until weiss lets out a gasp.]
WEISS: there she is, up on the chandelier! hey, why is there a chandelier in the conversation room?
[larvin is lying on top of the chandelier in a fetal position, staring with glazed eyes into space, humming softly.]
JACK [nervous]: oh, yes, i don't know how she got up there.
SYD: dad, you're blinking at erratic intervals, a classic indication that you're lying. were you trying one of your WWE moves again?
JACK: of course not, sydney. and santa claus is real. goodbye. [walks out.]
WEISS: what is she humming? that doesn't sound like "when i fall in love".
SYD: i think it's... "my immortal" by evanescence!! no you didn't, you evil commie traitor!! that's from my movie! you stole my soulmate, you are not stealing a theme song from "daredevil"! vaughn, give me one of those cap guns, i've had enough!!
***
thus ends fake bonus episode #1. i hope you enjoyed, musees!
you are SO WEIRD. but yes, it was very funny.
Posted by: Jeffrey Collins | Friday, April 09, 2004 at 07:32 AM