3.15 FACADE

OK, TONIGHT'S WORKING TITLE IS "TRYING NOT TO GET MY HOPES UP". THIS IS BECAUSE I ACTUALLY ENJOYED TONIGHT'S EP. IT ACTUALLY COMPRISED LOTS OF THE ELEMENTS THAT MAKE ALIAS GREAT. NOW BEFORE YOU GO GET ALL "SHE'S LOST IT" ON ME, LET ME ILLUSTRATE WHY BY SHARING WITH YOU MY NEXT LETTER TO J.J. ABRAMS.

dear JJ,

i'm glad to see that you got my letter last week. i never know if you hollywood types are checking your mail, since, you know, crazy upset fans might send hate mail or something. i have only love for you, JJ. tough love, that is. so i'm thrilled you took into account what i laid out for you last week, because i didn't want to have to put you in group therapy or send you to writer's block boarding school. i hear they don't allow ice cream there, and no one should have to live like that. even one who has written a character such as larvin and not killed her off or sent her away to eternal torture after 1 episode, and instead lets her DO IT with vaughn and sark both.

well, you've answered a few of my questions, but i'm reluctant to believe you, since after you broke sydney out of NSC custody and gave her the memories back (and teased me w/ a beautifully buffed will tippin), i thought maybe the season was looking up, and then 3.14 BLOWBACK EPISODES I AND II happened. ok, i just wanted to check and see if i still shudder when i think of those 2 eps. yep, i do.

so maybe you don't hate me, and i'm glad because, like i said, i have only tough love for you. and after seeing vaughn tonight for, like, the WHOLE EPISODE!, i think maybe you don't hate him either. especially since you let him hug sydney for a long time and they cried together. and since his evil wife was only mentioned once in this ep (i was hoping for 0 times, but you can only improve so much from ep. to ep.), and we didn't have to see her at all (WOOHOO!!). i'm still not sure you love sydney, because you insist on torturing her in EVERY episode since the pilot. larvin's nowhere around, but since she's still married to vaughn, i still ask, do you love her? the jury's still out on whether you think we're morons, since we can't assume that this ep. is going to get us back on track. but i do appreciate the effort.

um, i never heard from you this week about that writer's job. i'll assume i just missed your call and that you hate talking to answering machines. try my cell next time. oh, and spidade (pronounced spy-da-dee) would like a job too. he's smart and funny like me. his number is 800-SPY-POPS.

thanks for the rosie thomas song at the end of the episode tonight. she's got such a lovely voice.

oh, and no thanks for the shot of sloane snuggling w/ barnett. i'm permanently scarred.

sendin' lots o' tough love your way,
sarahk

p.s. when are we going to learn what phase II is? when are YOU going to decide what phase II is?

alrighty. on w/ the show.

my first thought during tonight's show was, "wow. i'm surprised they're able to come up w/ more than 5 seconds of previously on alias, considering that they only had about that much of an episode last week." of course, it was something like 6 seconds, so still pretty bare. "previously on alias, sloane and barnett got all flirty and gross, and vaughn chased after sark."

opening scene: in belfast, a bomb squad is evacuating a bank building and trying to diffuse a bomb before it levels a city block. it stumps the bomb squad, and they are unsuccessful. in light of spain's tragedy this week, i'm thankful that they didn't show an explosion and only brushed over quick photos of the damage. i don't know if they originally had it in there and cut the scene or didn't have it to begin with, but nonetheless, kudos to the bad robot.

so the CIA in LA is on the case, because all terrorist activities are the responsibility of the task force in LA. because sydney bristow is the only CIA agent capable of appropriately diffusing the situation (pun intended!). so they've determined that the man who made the bomb (daniel ryan) was working to get the covenant's attention (he works for them, but he's really ticked off at them), and if he doesn't cut a deal w/ the covenant w/in 48 hours, he will detonate another bomb in the US to get the attention of the US's terror cells. spydaddy and dixon, who really kind of co-run the division, try to come up with a plan for acquiring and/or diffusing the bomb before it wipes out more people. good idea. here's how the meeting goes ...

DIXON: so, what do you think we should do about this bomb?
WEISS: well, dixon, for one, we could ask vaughn's evil wife larvin where the bomb is, since she's evil and knows other evil people.
VAUGHN: hey, that's a great idea, reverend weiss. let me call her on her cell right now ... hello, sweetheart?
[retching noises from sydney and weiss]
yeah, we were just wondering, since you're evil and all, could you find out where this bomb is and what we need to do to diffuse it? i hear it's a booger to figure out ... no? ok. well, when are you coming home? tomorrow sounds great. but hey, if you're delayed, don't worry about it, because i can't stand the sight of you anyway. sydney says hello and to go jump in a lake ... no, not to swim, silly. to clean all that filthy evilness off of you ... what? it's permanent you say?
JACK: ding ding ding ding!
VAUGHN: oh well. i guess we'll just have to wait for you to die. or syd's offered to kill you now ... you don't like that idea? well, i do, but the man's opinion rarely counts in relationships ... ok, say hi to your parents for me, and tell your dad the senator that you're an evil commie traitor ... you too ... bye now ... well, she said she'd rather let us figure out about the bomb so it can maybe kill me. any other ideas?
SYD: yeah, baby, i've got an idea. why don't you let me take her out for you? i can karate her to death.
JACK: well, not just yet. maybe next mission, we'll find out she's evil--
VAUGHN [in excited voice]: --and i can just let mr. sark have her, and we can be together again, syd.
DIXON: any other ideas? reverend weiss?
WEISS: i'm with syd. jack, let syd kill her.
SYD: yeah, come on, spydaddy. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
DIXON: not larvin. focus, people. the bomb.
JACK: oh ... that ... well, let's pretend we're the covenant and trick the guy into telling us where the bomb is.

so the meeting ends, and brother weiss asks vaughn about larvin. "so, where's larvin, the evil spawn of arvin? hey, that rhymes! ain't it cool?" "she's visiting her dad the senator." "oh yeah? better him than you." "yeah, it's too bad, reverend weiss, because i kind of like the senator." "so how's being married to an evil commie traitor treating you?" "it's fantastic." this is where sydney walks up and says "weiss, stop asking vaughn about larvin. i eavesdrop on all of his conversations, and i'm tired of hearing about her." "sorry about that, syd. i'll tell you what, you can shoot me later, ok?" "k, thanks." vaughn gives weiss a dirty look after syd walks away & says "hey, you shouldn't bring up the fact that i'm married to an evil commie traitor. the viewers hate that." "take it up w/ JJ, michael. i just say what he makes me say." "blasted JJ."

so then we cut to weiss walking into a bar in belfast, and i'm thinking he's gained like 30 pounds between scenes. i'm completely befuddled by this, because i've apparently misplaced my thinking cap. so he goes and talks to the bombmaker, daniel ryan, played by ricky gervais, who i keep hearing is a comedy actor. but since i have 4 channels that do not include the BBC, i don't watch whatever british show he's on. anyway, weiss tells him they need to talk, and the guy knows weiss, and i'm not sure how. says he's gained weight. uh, ya think? glad to know it's not just me. so weiss tells DR that he's a federal agent & wants to know about the other bomb. DR says e-m-e-t-i-b and weiss arrests him or something. they go outside, and there's a weird gunfight, and sydney shows up in a freaky wig and pretends to rescue DR. she does shoot weiss in the chest, as promised at the office, and tells DR that he should be thanking her. "see, that guy was CIA, and if the CIA had gotten you, you would have been tried as an enemy of the state and executed. but me, i'm CIA too, but i'm not going to tell you that until later when it benefits me. so do as i say." then vaughn (in all black -- ddddrrrrrroooooooooooooolllllll. oops, sorry 'bout that. doggone, i shorted out my keyboard.) tranq darts DR in the neck. in the big melee, weiss has been shot in the neck AND the chest, and he gets up and makes some crack about being shot in the neck before, so this is no biggie. so i guess he was wearing extra poundage for the mission.

then DR wakes up in a CIA warehouse that has been made into a fake hotel and looks like the place where DR meets his covenant contact. they do some live feed tv stuff to convince him. syd gives him an envelope w/ terms in it and tells him to call off the second demonstration. he says he'll only talk to ivanka georgievna metanova, or some russian name i can't remember. or maybe it was german. anyway, lisenker (the covenant defector from that episode where vaughn and syd kissed in north korea) is in on the op and tells syd that ivanka is dead. she tells DR this, and he starts to leave. he talks about playing poker and bluffing and how syd's a bad bluffer. oh yeah? she's a great bluffer, according to her friends. why don't you ask will? or francie? or charlie? shoot, nevermind. is ANYONE on this show anymore? so he leaves the room and lisenker shows up and vouches for syd.

so DR says, okie dokie. i'll work with you fake covenant people and accept your offer, but all the details have to be handled by the CO-HEAD of the alliance covenant's north american cell. syd says, "oh, you mean larvin, vaughn's evil wife?" "no, not this time. she's torturing her parents w/ her presence right now. i mean mr. sark. send him in."

lisenker's sure that sark has never met this guy (DR), so they send in an impersonator. vaughn. and I AM IN HEAVEN. MICHAEL VAUGHN IMPERSONATING JULIAN SARK. MY TWO SPY BOYFRIENDS COMBINED IN ONE! OH, GLORIOUS DAY. so michael sark discusses details w/ DR and even throws in the word "sheduled" for good measure, LOL. and the conversation goes on and on and on and lasts way too long. and that is soooooooooooooo not a complaint. i can just tune them out and happily stare at michael sark. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, happy sigh. i think the conversation went something like this: "hi, i'm fake sark. we at the covenant know you have another bomb sheduled to explode." "yeah, i know, i'm the one that told you." "right. well, we'd like to diffuse the bomb, so what's your plan for that?" "well, get the real sark on the plane to meet with my contact, and i'll try to blow both of you up." "right. well, thanks for the advice, talk to ya soon."

so the CIA/fake covenant realizes that they're going to need the real sark to be on the plane to meet with DR's contact, so they get the word to sark that this guy wants a meet on the plane.

vaughn is on the plane, too, to take sark into custody. bad news, folks. sark's contact doesn't show up. vaughn tells syd this. jack says, "well, hey, since you're already there w/ sark, why not arrest him and try not to lose him this time. whaddaya say?" "yeah, i think i can do that. maybe i can lock him up in the airplane bathroom." btw, vaughn is soooooo hot in the glasses. good look for him. JJ, can we do that again soon? thanks. so sarkypooh mentions to vaughn (while vaughn's locking him up) that he finds it odd that the contact didn't show up. "don't you find it odd that the sheduled meeting hasn't happened?" "yeah, but shut yer face, julian, while i call sydney and ask her if she thinks it's odd too. and don't forget to wash yer hands." "alrighty. btw, thanks for letting me DO IT with your wife." "hey, if it means i don't have to, more power to ya, you fornicator."

so a frantic sydney calls sloane, who's snuggled up cozy in bed w/ barnett. [multiple icky shudders.] "hey, syd, my daughter, how are you? i've missed you!" "shut up, you slimeball. spydaddy's my father, and you and all the JJs in the world combined can't fool me, even if that stupid shrink is buying it." "well, we can talk about it another time when i can hug you." "stop distracting me, i called for a reason, you evil man." "sure, what is it, sweetheart?" "daniel ryan. he's a bad guy. he's got vaughn and sark trapped on a plane together. you think he's planning something bad? he wanted a meet w/ the covenant." "oh, yeah, the covenant killed his brother. too bad about vaughn. and sark. now larvin's not going to have anyone to defile." "oh, that's bad news." "see ya, syd." "not if i see you first, pukehead." sloane then goes back to extracting CIA info from the dippy shrink. and syd tells vaughn he's going to die. "don't worry, syd. we'll find each other. we always do."

um, i have a suggestion. next time you're going to blow someone up, how about you send larvin as the CIA operative? oh, that's right. she's too busy doing the covenant's work.

so w/ syd's help, vaughn finds the bomb on the plane. marshall, the best geek ever, tries walking vaughn through it. "marshall, you're speaking Ewok. please push your translator button and try speaking english." "ok, how's this?" "better." "ok, vaughn, there's a thing on the bomb that's gonna make it go boom if the plane tries to land. since the pilots are already working on an emergency landing, you should run and tell them to get back up in the air." vaughn does so. "now. you've got to play a trick on the barometric sensor." "the what?" "the thing on the bomb that'll make it go boom. now. you know how larvin's making you think something that isn't the truth?" "uh, duh, marshall." "yeah, well, you have to do the same thing to the bomb." "k, but how?" "well, you have to first disable the motion sensor." "ok, well, i don't know how to do that, so i'll go let sark out of the bathroom." goes to bathroom. "i'm only letting you out of here to diffuse the bomb and to give you an opportunity to escape. but not until you've washed your hands." "i did, i promise." "ok, well, i trust you." so sark and vaughn disengage the motion sensor together.

then something quirky happens, and i'd like more info on this, please. they have to find an airtight container to put the bomb in so that it doesn't know the pressure is changing and can't tell they're trying to land. so they search all around, and find an igloo. (and sarky finds vaughn's knife, because vaughn ain't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer these days. let's hope vaughn's real knife isn't either.) ok, so they open the igloo and put the bomb in it. first of all, my experience with igloos has been that they're not quite airtight. but since ABC's already gotten the advertising dollars for igloo, i can pretend. the quirky thing is that the igloo has ice in it. um, what's in the igloo packed beneath the ice? coca-cola? who bothered taking it on the plane, they give you free cokes! or is it a human heart? if so, i'm not so sure vaughn should be opening the cooler. whatever. just wondering.

so now's the time for syd to ask the bad guy to help her. by this point, she realizes that she was the one who killed ryan's brother, coerced into it by the covenant. she, weiss and lisenker reveal themselves as CIA agents and take him to the ops center to prove it. she tells him, "i know the covenant is bad. they did bad stuff to me too, all in an effort to brainwash me into thinking i was someone named julia thorne." sydney, as intuitive as she is, doesn't catch that the guy recognizes the name. so she says "the man i love is on that plane. i mean, he's married to this other woman and all, and one of my archenemies is on the plane with him, but there are also 200 innocent people on the plane. help me out. tell me how to take care of our little bomb problem." "ok, sure, julia, i mean sydney. here's the code that will disengage the bomb." she feeds the code to vaughn, and nothing happens. oh, wait. something does. it arms for 5 minutes. SHOUTING DUH AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS RIGHT NOW!! come on, people? did we learn nothing from ineni hassan??? or nina meyers? oh, wait. that was 24. nevermind. but hassan???

so the bomb arms, and marshall comes running in and says the one in his office (the one that vaughn diffused last week) has just armed, too. so ryan is going to blow up the plane AND CIA headquarters. lovely. but not to worry, folks!! this is a job for . . . SPYDADDY! MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

so jack comes in and chokes the guy until he dies. sydney comes running in. "dad?!? why did you do that?? he's going to blow us all up, and you thought he deserved to die for that?" "would you quit your whining, sweetheart, and get me the jumpstart kit? it's right outside the door." so they revive ryan, and spydaddy, master of the universe, says, "listen, dog food. you're dying for real if i choke you again. give me the code." "okay, okay! it's PI to 6 digits!" "no, no, we were dumb enough to fall for that once before. give us the real code!" so he does, both bombs stop ticking, and the day is saved. MAN, SPYDADDY ROCKS.

so sark stabs vaughn in the arm, they fight, and vaughn wins. when the plane lands in paris, sark is taken into french custody. well, that'll keep him.

best part of the whole episode: sydney is overwhelmed with emotion and goes to the parking garage. she starts bawling leaning against a car, and vaughn pulls up beside her. he gets out, and they walk to each other, and she says, "oh vaughn." they hug and cry together, and life is good. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

and then we get scenes from an all new ALIAS, which will be THREE WEEKS IN A ROW! I ALMOST FELL OFF THE FUTON! "next sunday, on an all new ALIAS. the french surrender to julian sark, and he becomes the new president of france. and dixon's kids are kidnapped, so he's going on a mission w/ syd to save them."

Comments

[spydaddy]

1)nice to see your letter to j.j. did some good. 2)changed my number.it's now CIA-CHO KEMAN. 3)rosie thomas is great.bring on some more evanescence,also. 4)ken olin had to be gritting his teeth. 5)weiss di do a good second take of being shot in the neck. 6)i would maybe like a tranqdart every once in a while. looks relaxing. 7)good to see michael sark and julian vaughn work together.might happen a lot later.remember sark's loyalties are subject to change.maybe the two will pull the trigger on larvin at the same time. 8)at least sloane's not snuggled up to IRINA! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 9)BIG DITTO ON SPYDADDY ROCKS! 10)tell me vaughn.listen to your future father-in-law,and i WILL be your pops after you and the blond wonderboy,who dodges bullets like neo,kill larvin.but tell me,do you really think it's such a good idea to turn Osama Ben Sark over to the french?

[sarahk]

spidade:
1) well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. larvin's not dead yet. 2) LOL, i'll let JJ know about the new number. 4) i certainly hope so. 6) me too. if you find a supplier, let me know. i'd be a good customer, especially w/ these tension headaches. i wonder if my doc would prescribe some. but i don't like getting shots, so maybe not. 7) i'd pay to see that. larvin shot twice. happy sigh. 8) gross, spidade. i won't be able to eat for a week after that visual. 9) i thought you might agree. 10) LOL, dodges bullets like neo. i'll have to steal that. and like i said, vaughn not the sharpest knife in the drawer of late.