1. dear self, when opening a jar from the refrigerator, if you're basically in your skivvies, DO NOT brace the jar for leverage against your mostly naked torso. very cold. very shocking. very unfortunate.
2. say, self? when drinking from a coke can that is pretty light (in weight, not color), first listen to it and see if you can hear tiny bubbles exploding. if you can, it may be drinkable. if you can't, pour it down the sink and open a new one. run away. don't even test it to see if you can drink it. there is no worse taste than flat coke. except maybe milk. yes, milk definitely is the worst taste. unless it's chocolate or over cereal.
3. my dearest self, your feet probably wouldn't be so cold if you would put socks on them.
4. self, when someone asks you to come over to their house after church, first ask yourself, "self? is there a new episode of ALIAS on tonight?" BEFORE you answer their question. i mean, you would have said yes to your friend's 62nd birthday party (or is it 48?) anyway, since you love your friend and all, but it would have been nice to know up front that you were sacrificing for them so you could feel good about yourself instead of feeling that twinge of regret at accepting the invitation before knowing that you were really going to be sacrificing.
5. self, sometimes your sentences are too long, and you don't make much sense.
6. alrighty there, self. it's that time again. even though you have 30 or so pair, you are almost out of clean undies. which means you are almost out of clean everything else. do some laundry, ya lazy bum.
that's all for now, self. take care. go stars.